Bears, and the Taxonomy of Bears

Today's post requires a different kind of introduction (Twighlight zone anyone?). This story does not come from real life, or anywhere near it, instead it is pulled from a short encyclopedia-type-thing that I have been writing for some time now. Here is part of Chapter two from The Bible Too: An Encyclopedia for the Unholy.

The male grizzly bear, or oursus erecti.

2: Bears

Bears are a majestic creature. They are one of the few natural born killers that have somehow in our minds been transformed into snuggly play things for our children (When I say our children I of course mean your children, the only children I have are the ones in my basement. They will tell me the location of the girlscout base.). Now as disturbing as this transformation is, there is something that cannot be ignored about the bear’s majestic ferocity.

For this reason I feel that bears deserve their own section in the New New Testament. This one is for you bears!

2:1 The Taxonomy of Bears

The juvenile bear emerging from its mother's egg

A little known fact about bears is that they are the only known land mammal to lay eggs. Now I know what you are thinking; “But science says that mammals have to give live birth!” Well let it be the first and not the last time for me to say: Fuck Science! If I have learned anything from science in my life it is that there is a bullshit explanation for every magical phenomenon on earth and in another ten years that explanation will change to something else, and so on and so forth.

The male bear or Oursus Erectai, can stand up to twenty feet tall (Only in some extreme cases like that of the Polynesian Cave Bear). The male bear can also in some cases have tusks over five feet in length (Again also only in the case of the Polynesian Cave Bear). The male bear is a ferocious beast and cares about nothing other than defending its honey and ripping faces off of people who piss it off. Bears have been known to collect the faces of hikers, dry them out using hot sand and then either wear them over their own faces in a macabre show of hunting prowess, or they hang them in their bear dens as conversation starters.

Female bears are no slouch. If you thought the male bear was a loose cannon wait until you hear this. Female bears are the rulers of the bear world (Democratically elected of course). They can often be found in the back of the den either raising their young, or eating them if they feel so inclined. That’s right! Maybe one night papa bear took too long getting home with the food and bam! Suddenly his son Jimmy is dead and his bones have been displayed as an ornamental wind chime at the front of the den as a reminder to be quicker next time.

Now both genders of bear can be found almost anywhere in the world. Bears are one of the most adaptable creatures on this green earth. They can live anywhere from the fetid sewers of India to the highest peaks of the Andes. This versatility leads to a high population of bears, of course when they aren’t being hunted by redneck assholes (Don’t worry we’ll get to you later! See Polynesian Cave Bears 2:5). The bear population is dwindling, but rest assured that one day they will be our new overlords, that is if squid don’t take to land first (See 6:6 Squids are scary as hell).

I for one welcome our new bear masters…

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