Bears: Part 2

2:4  Canada, a Country for the Bears

The country of Canada is a backwards one. While most civilized areas of the world view them as a whimsical hat-like addition to the Americas, it cannot be ignored altogether. While their main exports are ice and brutal blood sport, Canada can also be said to possess a beauty and majesty unparalleled by an other place on earth…

Of course, this statement would probably have been made by a Canadian, which in itself is astounding as somehow they managed to learn to read and write. Canada’s surface is covered mostly by ice. In the few spots where land can be seen breaking through, it is barren and harsh. The only animals fit to survive here, are moose, hicks, tiny mice, and of course bears.

It is truly remarkable that the minuscule population of this dark splotch on the map has managed to survive so long. With their igloos constantly being attacked by bears, and children being carried away to be “Bear-Wives”, their standard of living has fallen to one of survival.

While Canada did once attempt to have a government, it was almost overthrown by the French… If you’d like to learn more, I encourage you to look up documentation on The October Crisis in Quebec, but as this is a non-factual-factual document, I will be providing no such information here.  This government was later overthrown and then subsequently run by a rowdy group of grizzly bears, who while enforcing some rather raucous policies of murder and merriment, also managed to improve the economic crisis, by providing empty houses and jobs for the homeless as grave diggers.

Up to this day, the frozen tundra that is our hat remains a mystery. Scholars maintain that the last living Canadian died long ago, and now there are only remnants of the Eskimos

 that once lived. I fear the day when the bears will trudge out of their igloos, and try to take the south. While we have the largest military in the world at present, I find it hard to believe that we will match the cold, calculating mind of the bear.

2:5 Polynesian Cave Bears

The male Polynesian cave bear or Oursus Massacurous Can grow to be fifteen feet tall, and weigh up to three tons. They have a coat of pure white, and are fond of the soft drink Coca-Cola. As the most aggressive member of the bear family, these are not beasts to be trifled with. Stories ranging from kidnapping, to dismembering, or highway robbery have all been attributed to this ferocious bear.

Artist rendition of a PCB on the hunt

The name: Polynesian Cave Bear, is actually somewhat of a misnomer. These bears dwell in the frigid regions of the north pole, in one of the farthest regions from Polynesia possible. They also do not live in caves, mostly they break into igloos, eat the Eskimo who lives inside, and then adorn themselves with the entrails. A Polynesian Cave Bear (PCB for short) is able to display their status by the length of Eskimo entrails that they wear. While most choose to wear them as decorative scarves, some are more liberal with their usage, and will actually use them to construct elaborate headdresses, held together by the bones of old women who wander where they’re not supposed to.

When encountering a PCB it is wise to maintain a firm posture, pull a big breath of air into your lungs, and then wait for the end. It is unwise to run from a PCB as running will only succeed in sexually exciting them, and with a top speed of over sixty miles an hour, it is unlikely for a human to outrun them.

These sexually conquered humans are later turned into what the PCBs refer to as: “Bear Wives”. While the fate of these poor souls is all but uncertain, we gather what we can from the remains. Sir Carl Whethers, an explorer of Canada and expert on fossilized bear genitals writes on the subject: “The human remains found in the igloo all seemed to share one puncture mark on the back of the skull. It appears that some sort of ritual occurred among the bears and their wives that culminated in death. With the recent addition of a fully preserved bear in the mounting position behind its “wife’s” head, we can assume that the PCB shows affection through the process of mating with the human head.”

The male PCB is the only known animal to possess a penis that is actually larger than its own body length.  Measuring over twenty feet in length and at some places three feet in girth, and with a barbed tip, it is truly a miracle of nature that females survive the mating season...