4:2
Deadliest Catch: Dead Edition
We
have so far talked about the company of death, and how they deal with the many gruesome
chores that come with end of life on a daily basis. This section focuses on a
small group in charge of handling oversight. Somewhere in between heaven and hell
(Don’t get on me about geography, if you want that shit go read an atlas! See:
Atlas Too (Coming soon if someone buys this…)) there lies an ocean. When Death
Co. misses a soul, this is where it goes. Picture it sort of like the wake up
scene from the matrix… Bodies are spewed out strange futuristic tubes into an
ocean that looks unpleasant and slimy.
The
people who work this area are different from traditional crab fishermen in two
ways:
 |
| This is seaweed. Why is it pictured here? |
1. Instead of
crabs there are smelly dead people swimming around the ocean, confused and
pissed off about being dropped into smelly water.
2. The crew of
these ships is made up entirely by scumbags who have died at sea, and while
this includes crab fishermen, it also includes such disenfranchised groups as
drunken old pirates, and old, white, rapey, boat owners…
Now,
as always, I know exactly what you’re thinking: “But good sir how does one fish
for the dead in a sea that is purely fiction, and has no logical reason for
being where it is?” Well the answer is of course with a massive magnetic hook.
The magnetic aspect doesn’t really do much aside from pre-looting the corpses,
but the giant hook does exactly what you think it would do, impaling bodies and
such…
The
ships, which appear mostly to be an amalgamation of various pirate ships,
yachts, rubber duckies, and crabbing vessels sail these seas for eternity, as a
form of penance for their crew(Similar to Davey Jones in the second Pirates of
the Caribbean movie, but rather than being able to dice their years of
servitude away, they can pay in fingers).
With
the crew being made up entirely of scumbaggy ocean-farers, it is understandably
quite a raucous bunch. For this reason this is the department with the highest
number of complaints. Fortunately all of these are handed down to the pirate
lord Steve Irwin, whom I might add is the only exception to the asshole rule.
Steve
Irwin rules over these seas with a mighty stingray barb, keeping all of the
rowdy crews in line, and is quite handy with his massive magnetic hook.
Through
this process, decaying bodies are fished out of a stinking ocean of rot and
decay, and then not so gently escorted into the afterlife. The lesson to be
learned here is: Don’t die on a busy day…
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