10: The Mystical Capybara

Today's post is of a more informational nature(sort of). After a brief encounter with a majestic beast today at the Osaka aquarium, I have taken it upon myself to spread awareness of one of the earth's most astonishing creatures. A creature so regal, so elegant that most would run and hide when faced with the sheer enormity of its awesomeness. I am of course referring to the legendary capybara. 

The capybara, or ratius-ourso-magnifico is a large water dwelling rodent of South America. A full grown capybara can weigh over ten tons, in human terms, about twenty elephants. Some might say that the capybara is a fat animal, unfortunately for them the capybara is not a creature to take such insults lightly... When hurt emotionally the capybara has been known to rip arms and/or legs off of its agressor.

While the capybara may more closely resemble a bear than a rat, it is still classified in the rodent family. Scientists currently believe that long ago a whisky laden grizzly bear found its way into an otter den, and well the rest is history.

A capybara by the name of Steve, looking regal as f***

With teeth over three inches in length(Can actually be true!!) the capybara is a formidable predator. Its diet consists mainly of tasty river fish, and the blood of the unjust. When it is not hunting the capybara enjoys basking in the sun, and floating lazily down rivers whilst looking cute for tourists. While this might be seen as the capybara selling out to the man, I can assure you that it is a pretty sweet deal.

The capybara is a textbook grifter. While one floats down the river cleaning itself, the other deftly sneaks up behind the unsuspecting tourist and steals their wallets, and occasionally their souls. Human souls can be used as a form of currency on the capybara black market, which is covered in 10:2 Capybara Economics.

On the subject of capybara mating habits I fear that scientists can only speculate, as all those who have attempted to observe the ritual never returned to tell about it. What can be gathered is that they leave their traditional manses for a locale of a more sensual nature. If I had to guess, I would say a small cave, shag carpeted with the hides of enemies, filled with old Barry Manilow records pilfered from zoo keepers and other such employees. 

After the mysterious ritual is complete, the capybara female kicks the male out of their den, and sends him to want after her lustfully during the four month gestation period. At this time it is common for the male to bring offerings of various river fish, and/or the heads of rival capybara males, to prove that he is indeed a smooth operator.  After the birth of the baby capybara the male is allowed back into the den once more for the sweet lovings at which point he is tossed aside for good and sent off to work in the gold mines (See: 10:2 capybara economics).

The baby capybara while adorable, is also incredibly deadly. When born, the capybara possesses a set of hardened claws, imbued with venom secreted from its mother's womb. The capybara itself is immune to this venom as it is a complete and total badass, but to other predators it is a deadly neurotoxin. The venom attacks the animal's brainstem and essentially reduces it to the consistency of jello pudding, which the baby capybara then sucks out like some delicious brainy milkshake. These claws are trimmed a year after birth by the Capybara High Council, who as a ruling body realized long ago that if these claws persisted long after birth, the population would become soft, and their food source would be decimated.

For more information on the capybara please subscribe. The more followers, the more time I am allowed to devote to the capybara chapter of my encyclopedia... So subscirbe damn you! Or you'll have Steve to deal with!