A Tale of Pugs and Unicorns

This is the reason I'm not allowed to write children's bedtime stories anymore....

15:2 Of Pugs and Unicorns

A ferocious pug hunting

There once was a land constructed entirely from the sweet tears of candy corn giants. It was in this land that two races, one of puppies, and the other of unicorns lived. These two mighty beasts lived separately  but for the most part equally. With the puppies preferring to take long walks in the fields, and the unicorns(being bros) spent most of their time building Twenty –Four Hour Finesses and Jamba Juices.

Yes it was a peaceful nation, filled with the blissful sounds of pugs grumbling and yapping, while the unicorns filled the air with grunts of manliness as they bench-pressed each other. The geography of the island on which they lived, while improbable, served their purposes quite well. They inhabited an island, perfectly symmetrical, with a small divot right down the middle, so as to delineate where the two groups lived.

One day a unicorn named Chad found himself in a quandary during the annual bicep flexing contest. Somewhere between shotgunning a large orange smoothie with all the proteins and curling other unicorns he found himself wondering about their neighbors to the north. Being of a curious nature he asked one of his other bros about them.

“Yo bro.” He said kindly to one of his fellow muscular equines.

“Sup Bro?” The other muscular equine replied.

“What’s the deal with all those fluffy cute things on the other side of that hill thing?” He asked with a level of curiosity not often seen by the general unicorn population, as most of their questions usually fall into: “Which proteins make the best muscle?” and “Do you even lift?”.

“I don’t know bro. Want to go do some more muscular curls instead of questioning the mysterious nature of the world?”

Saddened by his compatriot's lack of interest and curiosity Chad responded: “No bro, I think I’m going over that hill.”

“Alright bro! Ima go do some mad curls and dead-lift that mountain!” He said, stalking off, biceps chafing together with every step.

Chad sipped down the last of his mega-protein-shake and walked over the hill. As he came to the top of the hill he was greeted by a fuzzy little pug in a sweater vest. 

“Greetings Unicorn Chad, we have foreseen your coming, and wish to romp!”

“Who are you bro?” The highly intelligent pug regarded him with a sense of pity.

“It matters not who I am Chad, but only that we romp together. The prophecy has long foretold our romp, and the other puglets will be sorely disappointed if we do not romp this day.”

Clearly confused by his language, Chad stood, dumbfounded, chewing some grass he had found.  “What?”

“Follow me, for I am Balthazar, speaker of the puppies, and lord of the puglets.” And so, against his bro-like nature, Chad followed Balthazar and together they went to a field of buttercups, where there was a grumble of pugs frolicking.

“Come join us Chad!” Said the puglets ever so creepily, but with no malicious intent.

Early Portrait of the Pug Ruler Balthazar (Left) and an
unknown puglet (Right)

“Alright!” Said Chad, clearly moved by the immobilizing cuteness of a face that looks as though it has been squished in a waffle iron. Together they romped for hours. Chad would curl the tiny pugs, and then the tiny pugs would snort at Chad. It was a cavalcade of cuteness. All the while Balthazar watched from a throne of butterscotch, contemplating.

“Today is a good day for romping, so romp Chad, romp among those you have shunned, romp among those who your people have spurned and ignored, taste of our innocence, and bask in the wrath that is the rise of the pugs!”

Suddenly the romp drew to a halt and Chad saw that a group of dark clouds had begun to gather above Balthazar's head. Lightning cracked across the sky, illuminating the withered lines of the smushed puglet faces, giving them a ferocious appearance that Chad would have previously thought to be impossible. 

"What's going on bro?!" Chad said, nervously curling a handful of puglets. 

"You're people have left us to lie in the shadows of the gumdrop mountains long enough Chad. We yearn for greater fields, more grass, industry, profit, and new lands to settle. Unfortunately for you, that means the extermination and enslavement of your people. It's nothing personal, but it's all for the greater good."

Chad looked at Balthazar with a blank face as the gears in his mind turned, attempting to discover the meaning of the word 'exterminate'. "You can't exgerminate us! Why are you so mad bro?"

"While your attempts to assert fraternity with me seem relentless, I can assure you that they will do nothing to save your people. Puglets, bind his biceps!" Out of the rushes popped a grumble of puglets, armed with gold chains and aviator sunglasses. 

"Don't tase me bro!" The puglets rolled their eyes and tied the chains around Chad's massive arms. When he was bound, the puglets put him on a sled and pulled him to the top of the gumdrop mountain, where a massive thunderhead had formed. 

Down in the valley unicorns ran in fear of the dark apparition, not understanding how weather works. Shouts of: "What is it bro?!", "Bro!", and "No bro! Not like this!" could be heard echoing off of the valley walls.

Chad watched in horror as Balthazar ascended the hill, with a giant metal object in hand. "Do you know what this is Chad?!"

"Um... A death ray?"

"No you imbecile! Wait, yes, yes it is a death ray. I will use it to melt all of the unicorns into sparkle jelly which we will use to butter our toast! Those who survive will build massive monuments to our greatness, and serve us in our doghouses! We will rule this land! Come Pu

glets, the time has come!"

"Nooooooooo!" Chad said in his best impersonation of the re-released Return of the Jedi final battle, which of course was his favorite version... dick.

Fortunately for Chad and the entire unicorn population pugs have never been known for their prowess in technology. They lack opposable thumbs, and thus tend to make many mistakes in the construction of complex items. As Balthazar pulled the trigger a massive orb of light enveloped the island and sunk it into the sea. 

A pug attempting to use technology...

Luckily for the pugs and unicorns, they were instantly teleported to the far corners of the world. The pugs were sent through time to feudal China, where they served as royal lapdogs, advising warlords to the end of their days. The unicorns were transmorgified and sent through time to December 5th, 1776 where they formed the Phi Beta Kappa Society, more commonly known as the first true fraternity...

As for Balthazar, he was transported to 1997 where he starred in the movie Men In Black as Tommy Lee Jones.