The VMAs: A Bear's Pearl Harbor?

The following is yet another section from the ever growing chapter on bears in my great encyclopedia of knowledge...

Bears: 2:6 Miley Cyrus, The Impostor

While many humans have tried to embrace the bear culture, for most it has ended in ruin and dismemberment. On the outside it may seem as though bears live a  fairly simple life of catching fish, snorting river dust, and pestering hunters, but the depth of these activities is seldom understood. Notable examples of those who have tried but failed to embrace bear culture are: Grizzly Man, Zac Galifanakis and most recently, Miley Cyrus...

As this was a recent incident the bear community has not issued a statement on the matter, but I can assure you that once they have deliberated(See: 2:7 The Council Of Bears) their retribution will be swift and brutal. The bears are not a people known for mercy, and after last night I wouldn't expect the pop genre to last a week (most record labels are run at the top by bears).

For those who live under rocks, in caves, or abide in other such metaphors, I will give a brief description of what occurred last night. The stage was dark, setting a grim tone for the atrocities about to be committed, as the lights came up a massive cyborg bear was revealed, flanked by his evil bear army, ready to strike at the poor, unsuspecting VMA audience! Just as the bears prepared their attack, the bear leader began to feel ill, and suddenly Miley Cyrus, like a scene from Alien, burst forth from the bear's chest and proceeded to twerk, twirl hair that did not exist, and make a mockery of anteaters everywhere(Sticking her tongue out, no doubt impersonating one of these regal creatures). But that, was only the beginning.

The show descended quickly into chaos. The rest of the bears turned around, to show that rather than being alive and well, they had been made into sick mockeries of themselves, being used like puppets by lesser humans! Their leader Miley, stepped down from the mighty bear's entrails and showcased her own gruesome attire. She had slain a poor bear pup, in hopes of wearing its skin as some sort of a fashionable coat. Unfortunately for her, it covered less than half of her body, leaving her nearly fully exposed to the audience.

As if this grotesque display of power over our noble oursine compatriots was not enough, Miley walked up behind a bear with a rather large hind-quarters and proceeded to spank it while she used her mind powers to make it twerk! Oh the bearmanity! All of this was of course accompanied by Miley making not-so-subtle pokes at the bear culture!

"Why Miley, Why?"-Famous Bear Philosopher
Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/granada_turnier/

She would whirl her hair around, imitating bears rising from the river after a long parley with groups of salmon, turning an ancient ritual into a not-so-exotic dance! She grabbed at a foam hand, straddling it, in a mockery of bears cleaning their private parts with the sacred dismembered hand of Park Ranger Rick. She even had the audacity to ask the audience how they were feeling as celebrities such as Drake, One Direction, and Rihanna turned away in what could have only been disgust and fear. I feel nothing but pity for those poor audience members, as the bears will show them no mercy.



To top it off, Miley ended her show by showing no honor by ripping the bear pelt off, leaving her in only skin colored underwear...

It was a night that shall live in infamy. While I do not know how the bears will react to this I can only guess that it will begin with a holy war against all of those in the VMA audience, and a special place in the hall of pretenders with Miley's name on it.

For those who didn't see the performance: http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1713017/miley-cyrus-robin-thicke-vma-twerk.jhtml

First video on the page